Top Ten Hollywood Woodentops (Female)

Cameron Diaz is advertised to the public as the perfect woman when it comes to looks. Well she isn't perfect: For one thing her mouth is too big for her face. I wouldn't normally criticise someone's looks, but the problem is that's all there is to Cameron Diaz. When it comes to actual acting talent you'll have to look elsewhere as what you see is all you get. Something in the way Diaz acts onscreen suggests to me she knows she's a terrible actress but as no-one's cottoned on to the fact she'll just keep accepting high paycheck, low intelligence roles while she can still get away with it. Most Notable Performance: Being John Malkovich - Halfway enjoyable because she was so un-Cameron Diaz-like.

The queen of all female woodentops. Never a stunner even in her prime she now looks like she'd melt if she sat out in the sun too long. Some cosmetic surgeon somewhere is living in a very nice house and his kids are going to a very nice school because of Melanie Griffith. Obviously can't act worth a damn but more than that she is highly irritating - so much so that she renders any film she appears in unwatchable. Having said that the films she chooses to be in are usually so bad that you wouldn't want to watch them anyway. And that screechy voice just goes right through you. Most Notable Performance: All notable for the fact that she got the part over anyone else.

Nice to look at - I'll give her that. But she serves no purpose in a film other than as eye candy. If by some chance Catherine Zeta Jones turns in a decent looking performance the viewer has no choice but to assume that that's what she's actually like in real life as she has absolutely no discernable acting talent whatsoever. Cynical as it may seem, it's also very tempting to speculate about her marriage to Michael Douglas as being merely a platform from which to launch a very lucrative career in the States. Most Notable Performance: Intolerable Cruelty - See Above (Enough said).

Very annoying. Her weedy, wiry boyish frame speaks of endless hours in the gym thinking about nothing at all. If you've ever seen her talking in real life that opinion is usually confirmed because she doesn't seem to have much to say about anything interesting. Obviously very ambitious and driven - qualities that seem to be present in a huge proportion of very irritating people. I wish she'd spit those marbles out that are at the back of her mouth and talk normally. Most Notable Performance: Pirates of The Caribbean 3 - A part that doesn't require much acting and yet Keira still can't pass muster.

Annoying in so many ways: The fact that she sings - badly - and makes a fortune doing it. She acts - badly - and makes a fortune from that too. The brainless chick-flicks she churns out are perfect examples of throwaway cinema - a real chore to sit through mostly because of her dire acting. The cynically marketed branding of everything she can get her claws into is pretty sickening. But you could almost live with all that if it wasn't for her ludicrous insistence on still just being 'Jenny from the block' when she's sitting on a multi-million dollar fashion and cosmetics empire. The cheek of it! Most Notable Performance: Out of Sight - Before the J-Lo branding took hold she had potential.

It's a complete mystery to me how Andie Macdowall got to be a star in the acting world. I can understand her making it in the fashion world back when she had a sparkle in her eye and she didn't need to trowel on that skin cream stuff she advertises now to look young. But acting, no. She's been in some very popular and successful films in her time and people keep going back for more. What do they see in her? She's utterly plastic and lifeless in every single film that I've ever seen her in. If you replaced her with a blow-up doll you'd end up with a performance at least as good as, or possibly better than the one you'll get from her. Honestly - where are the QA guys when she turns up on set? Most Notable Performance: Those wrinkle-cream adverts - I think she's found her level there.

Some actresses look annoying and some sound annoying. Demi Moore is blessed with both traits. She also has an obvious desire to be the centre of attention at all times and so does a lot of tiresome 'controversial' headline grabbing movies. Annoying also for applying that same method to her so-called 'private' life. Does anyone really care that she dumped Bruce Willis for Ashton Kushter? I know I don't. Most Notable Performance: Jane in G.I. Jane - what a stupid, overblown mess. And if you're listening Demi; no, you don't look sexy with a shaved head.

The most irritating thing about Julia Roberts is the sheer scale of her success in the acting world in relation to the amount of talent she has - which is minimal at best. She is the most highly paid actress in the history of Hollywood and yet can you name a truly good film she has been involved in? And if you can, can you also hand on heart say that she was good in it? I don't think so. Another actress whose mouth is too big for her face. Too many teeth aswell. Most Notable Performance: Erin Brokovich - Did she deserve that Oscar? No, of course she didn't.

The most annoying voice in Hollywood. Sounds like one of those kewpie dolls. No matter how good an actress Jennifer Tilly could ever become that grating squeeky voice will always stop her from being enjoyable to watch - there's just not much she can do about that voice. In actual fact she's a terrible actress. Her range extends from pouting right through to pouting while winking - impressive eh? Doesn't appear in too many mainstream movies so shouldn't be too much of a problem avoiding her, especially now she seems to have switched her career from actress to poker professional. Most Notable Performance: Bound - as annoying as usual but she does get nekkid with Gina Gershon.