Confessions of A Film Geek

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	Edward Burns
	This guy is about as cocky as Andy Garcia - they're both cut from the same cloth. As far as acting goes he's even more irritating than Garcia. However Edward Burns has pretensions of directing - and he seems to think he's Woody Allen, which he most certainly is not. His pathetic little indie films - all set in New York - are pretty dreadful, and all star himself. He's plundered Allen's films without remorse and dressed them up as his own and they are uniformly embarrassing in their ineptitude. He always plays the same part in these 'relationship' movies - what he sees as the smooth talking edgy New Yorker, but he invariably comes off as a complete sleazeball. Utterly creepy. Most Notable Performance: 15 Minutes - what an embarrassment.
	Vin Diesel
	Monosyllabic. It's actually painful being subjected to Vin Diesel's 'talents'. Even though he had only a tiny part in Saving Private Ryan it was enough to leave a sour taste in my mouth every time he was around. And as for those xXx films - my god...those could give you brain damage. I haven't seen a lot of the films he's done but it's safe to say the best performance from him so far has been Iron Giant - as you can't see him, and he doesn't have to speak much English...really the best for all concerned. Judging by all his other performances I doubt he'll ever be less hazardous to your health than he is here in that film. Most Notable Performance: xXx - Ten minutes was all I could take.
	David Duchovny
	I used to think all David Duchovny was good at playing was Mulder in the X-Files TV series. Every time I was unlucky enough to catch him in a feature film I would cringe at his total inability to emote and I would feel sorry for all the extra work the other actors had to put in to try and compensate for his shortcomings. And I came to the conclusion that he was only good at Mulder, but then I caught an old X-Files episode a while ago and he's actually not even that good at playing Mulder either. Something tells me Duchovny is an intelligent guy in real life - surely he could find something else he's got a talent for, because it definitely isn't acting. Most Notable Performance: Twin Peaks (as a woman).
	Andy Garcia
	The biggest problem with Andy Garcia is that he's convinced he's a truly great actor - right up there with the likes of Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino. Unfortunately all the evidence points to the contrary. He was embarrassingly bad in the woeful Godfather III and not much better in Ocean's Eleven. I get the feeling the reason he's so bad is because he tries so hard. He's convinced himself he's a great actor and he's busting a gut trying to live up to that image he has of himself and it just doesn't work because wanting something a whole bunch doesn't make it so. Most Notable Performance: Ocean's 11/12/13 - Three shots at it and still rubbish.
	Ewan McGregor
	It grieves me a little to be slating a fellow countryman but somebody has to say it. Ewan Mcgregor can't act. He plays the same character in most of the movies he appears in. Apart from the Star Wars movies where he does a bad Alec Guinness impersonation. The Americans came up with a phrase for lazy acting - phoning in a performance - and that's what it seems as if Ewan McGregor is doing. But I don't think he's a lazy actor. I think he's just incapable of giving a believable performance. Every time I see him I just see someone trying to 'act' - and failing. Most Notable Performance: Moulin Rouge - Needless to say he can't sing either. And don't get me started on Moulin Rouge again.
	Chris O'Donnell
	What kind of world do we live in when this talentless wimp is handed millions of dollars every time he 'acts' in a stupid, unfunny romantic comedy? Chris O'Donnell has been either completely unremarkable or utterly embarrassing in every single movie he's ever appeared in. I wanted Al Pacino to just shoot him in the head with that gun he was toying with at the beginning of Scent of A Woman. It didn't matter that he was blind - it was worth a try to stop that simpering stuttering moron carry on with his unconvincing and cringeworthy performance. What women see in him I'll never know. Most Notable Performance: Vertical Limit - The film that made him think seriously about giving up movies in favour of TV.
	Keanu Reeves
	You've got to hand it to Keanu Reeves - he surely knows how to pick the right parts for himself. His range extends from 'dude!' to 'huh?' which mirrors perfectly his career trajectory from the early days of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure through to The Matrix movies. In all these films he doesn't have to do much more than be vacuous, vacant or puzzled, and he can just about manage that. The sheer magnitude of the fame and fortune he's achieved from such tiny reserves of talent is scarily impressive when you think about it, but also really depressing when you look at how well the average person is rewarded for the work they do. Most Notable Performance: Dracula - Made Winona Ryder look like Meryl Streep by comparison.
	Arnold Schwarzenegger
	As far as acting goes on a talent to pay ratio Arnold Schwarzenegger is the undisputed heavyweight champion. He got absolutely colossal paychecks for the worst films you can imagine and in which his acting is as wooden as a two by four. It's an incredibly frustrating situation seeing so much time, effort and resources lavished on such a pitifully under-equipped 'actor'. Schwarzenegger could only have existed when he did - when there was a dearth of decent films and the brainless blockbuster was becoming king. From the mid eighties to the mid nineties the American movie going public fully embraced the concept of 'bigger is better' and 'might is right' and Arnold was the poster boy for this thinking, but without the slightest whiff of talent. Most Notable Performance: Terminator 2 - that's as good as it gets as far as acting goes and he plays a robot.
	Steven Seagal
	Maybe I'm taking liberties putting Steven Seagal on this list. After all I haven't actually seen a whole movie of his. I've seen portions of some of his films but I really believe that's enough. More than enough judging by what I saw. The picture you see to the left of this is his serious face. I never saw any other expression on his face except that one - no matter what kind of scene I was watching. Pretty amazing to only have one expression at your disposal - and this is before the days of Botox. Pretty reprehensible films aswell, as far as I could tell. Aparently he plays a mean guitar and has been spending more of his time playing the blues - nice one Steven. Most Notable Performance: Executive Decision - Died 20 minutes in.
	Chris Tucker
	Boasting the worst performance out of all the woodentops on this list, Chris Tucker can bug you more in ten minutes of a film than anyone else on this list can do in a whole film. Quite an achievement when you look at the rest of this list. His performance in The Fifth Element is so utterly wretched as to almost be able to rile you into a coronary. When he popped up near the beginning of Tarantino's Jackie Brown I was almost driven to despair at the thought of him ruining a great film. Imagine my delight then when he was stuffed into the trunk of a car and shot to death - excellent! Good job he's lazy as well as talentless - it makes it so much easier to avoid coming across him. Most Notable Performance: The Fifth Element - If it doesn't compel you to throw tomatoes at the screen every time he appears then there's something wrong with you.

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