I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer friend. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping ever since
My buddhist friend was having root canal treatment, but refused the anaesthetic. He wanted to transcend dental medication
My girlfriend drew her eyebrows on too high this morning. When I told her she seemed surprised
The other day I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
I think I'd like to make a career out of cleaning mirrors. I could see myself doing that
I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make it go faster, but it just made it more sluggish
Last night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't
Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey!
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa
My grandfather just sold his doughnut factory. When I asked him why he said he was just fed up with the hole business
Did you hear about the guy that got frozen to absolute zero?
He's 0K now
What do you get if you pour root beer into a square glass?
Beer
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the lightbulb has to want to change
What do Swedish people call immigrants?
Artificial Swedeners
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag's a big plus
No matter how far you push the envelope it will always be stationary
What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What's the fastest way to kill a circus?
Go straight for the juggler
It's hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac - they always take things literally
People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell fish?"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "Dammit, I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
My plan is to turn this old asylum into a hospital. Of course it'll have to be sanitized first
This guy told me the only food that can make you cry is an onion. So I threw a coconut at his face
Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
Because he was Haydn
What do you call two crows in a tree?
Attempted murder
What is Benoit B. Mandelbrot's middle name?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Where did Noah keep all the bees?
In the ark hives.
I was talking to this guy who said he only believed 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
I guess that makes him an eighth theist
What do we want!?
- "TIME TRAVEL!!"
When do we want it!?
- 'IRRELEVANT!"
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork,
but the heavier ones need a crane
I took a picture of a wheat field the other day.
It turned out really grainy
Claustrophobic people are more productive when thinking outside the box
I'm glad I know sign language - it's pretty handy
I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me
My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll himself a joint. He's now high on my list of priorities
Elevators really freak me out, so I've been taking steps to avoid them.
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot it's on the right foot
I'm suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns
My friend David lost his ID. Now we just call him Dav
If two vegans have a real problem with each other is it still considered a beef?
My lack of knowledge on Greek literature has always been my Achilles' elbow
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, 'Five beers please'
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Personally I don't believe in hoes before bros. Or bros before hoes for that matter. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
I hate Russian dolls - they're so full of themselves
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet
These new corduroy pillows are making headlines everywhere
What's the cheapest concert you can go to? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
What do Santa's elves listen to as they work? Wrap music
A woman walks into a library and asks if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
Yesterday my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that
'Just say NO to drugs'. Well, if I'm talking to my drugs I probably already said 'yes'.
I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them
What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right
How do prisoners make contact with the outside world? Cell phones
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I'm seeing a lot of new faces here this week and I have to say I'm really disappointed.
A man goes to his local zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.
My friend was cold so I told her to stand in the corner. Corners are 90 degrees
A hippo is really heavy, whereas a Zippo is a little lighter
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato
My local Chinese restaurant got trashed by young hooligans at the weekend. It was an act of wonton destruction
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats
Why should you never mention the number 288? It's two gross
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
Two kids were arrested the other day. One was eating fireworks and the other was drinking battery acid. They let one off and charged the other.
I noticed an ad for burial plots in the paper, and I thought to myself, “That’s the last thing I need!”
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultrygeist
When life hands you melons you're dyslexic
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What's worse than ADHD?
AD4K
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible
Two men walk into a bar. The first says, 'I'll have some good old H2O please ". The second man says, "I'll have some H2O too". The second man died
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. “You mean a Martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Why do bishops in chess only move diagonally?
Because north, south, east and west are cardinal directions
What do blind people have in common with orphans?
They can't see their parents
How does a Marxist stop a capitalist from farting?
They must seize the beans of production
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Two statisticians go bird hunting. The first one fires at the bird but misses to the left by 5 feet. The second one fires and misses to the right by 5 feet. They both give each other a high-five and say, "Got it!"
An engineer gets home from work and sees a note from his wife pinned to the refrigerator:
"This isn't working, I'm going to my mom's."
He opens the fridge, grabs a beer, sits down and takes a big swig.
"What the heII?" he says, "The fridge works fine!"
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the father. His wife asks impatiently, 'So, is it a boy or a girl?' 'Yes', he replies.
Werner Heisenberg goes for a drive and gets pulled over by a traffic cop. The cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know where I am."
"Well", says the officer "You were doing 95 mph".
Heisenberg sighs and replies, "Oh great - now I'm lost."
Three logicians walk into a bar in Texas. The bartender asks them: "Y'all want beer?"
"I don't know," says the first logician.
"I don't know," says the second logician.
"Yes!" says the third logician.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train heading north, and have just crossed the border from England into Scotland. The engineer looks out of the window at a field with a black sheep in it and says, "Look! Scottish sheep are black!" The physicist says, "No, no. Some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician looks irritated, "There is at least one field in Scotland", he says, "that contains at least one sheep, of which at least one side is black, at least some of the time."
As a priest is checking into a motel for the night he says to the check-in clerk, 'I trust the porn in the room will be disabled', to which the clerk replies, 'It's just regular porn, you sicko'.
A mathematician is sitting on a bench across from a house. He watches as two people go into the house, and then a little later, three people walk out.
A while later a friend of his joins him on the bench and they both sit watching the house. After a few minutes the mathematician says, "If exactly one person enters that house it will be empty."
A wife leaves a note for her computer scientist husband to pick up some food from the local store after work:
'Get a pack of sausages. If their eggs are fresh then get a dozen'.
The husband returns with twelve packs of sausages. When the wife asks why he bought so many sausages he replies, "They had fresh eggs".
Hitler walks into a staff meeting, and says to the top Nazi party officials, "I want you to organize the killing of all European Jews, and 50 hedgehogs." Himmler asks Hitler, "Why the hedgehogs, sir?" Hitler then smiles and exclaims, "See? No one cares about the Jews!"
A piece of string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve string here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you that string?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A pedophile kidnaps a young boy one night and as they're walking through the woods the young boy says, 'Mister - I'm really scared!'. The pedophile looks at him and says, 'You're scared? What about me? I have to walk back this way on my own!'
A priest, doctor, and engineer were golfing. They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must've been waiting for fifteen minutes!” They spot George, the greens-keeper “Hey George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replies, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time.” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest says, “That’s so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor says, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
My buddy was driving us around and he ran a red light. I said “You just ran a red light! That’s dangerous you will get us killed!” He said “Don’t worry my brother drives like this all the time, it’s fine, people will stop for you.” A bit later he pulls up to a green light and stops. I said. “You just stopped at a green light why are we stopped at a green light?” he said “You gotta be careful, you never know when my brother is coming from the other direction.”
A man announces that he'd like to say a word at his friend's funeral. He goes up to the podium and says "plethora". He steps down from the podium and his friend's widow says gratefully, "Thank you - that means a lot."
After a husband and wife's millionth argument the wife is so mad at her husband she packs his bags and tells him to get out, so he picks up his bags and heads for the door. As he's walking out the door she yells, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death!" He turns around and says, "So, you want me to stay?"
My boss was honest with me today. When he pulled up to work in his brand new car and I complimented him on it, he replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in the hours, I can get an even better one next year."
A woman has twins but has to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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